Be A Better Spouse Day 30

Challenge #30: Make it Happen

So, we've come to the end of the challenge! Hopefully, it's helped you in some way - big or small. I guess most importantly is that it's definitely affected me in a positive way. And that was the whole point of all this anyway. It made me start to think more of how I approach things, though sometimes my husband likes to remind me of the "Spouse Challenge"

The last challenge is less of a challenge and more of a call to action.

You've got the tools and the power to take this further than a month, to hopefully have it make a positive impact on your life - for you, your partner, and your kids.

For some of you, it's fixable. Maybe for others of you, it's not.

But it's got to be worth at least trying. That's what I did this month and that's what I hope to do next month, even though I won't be posting daily about it here.

Be A Better Spouse Day 29

Challenge #29: Go to bed together is important.

It doesn't need to be all the time, but there's something about finishing your day together, crawling into bed, and either falling asleep or waiting for your baby to yell at you on the monitor.

I've heard "the experts" say how important it is to sleep in the same bed with your partner/spouse if anything to just stay connected. Makes sense to me.

So if you don't do it, try it. And if you do, well, look at that. You're one ahead!

Tomorrow's our last day! I'd love to know how the month went!

Be A Better Spouse Day 28

Challenge #28: Read a self-help book (or blog)

There are no shortage of self-help books out there that can do wonders for helping your marriage.

Books and blogs are good for folks who need strategies that can actually work and most of the ones I've seen don't necessarily require a ton of time or brain power.

There's a book called Babyproofing Your Marriage ages ago and I heard it was really fantastic. It would be a good wedding present. Or even a baby shower gift. . And right now, the book is like $5. What do you have to lose?

And I was just introduced to Project Happily After (book and blog). Haven't read it yet.

Be A Better Spouse Day 27

Challenge #27: Finding the core issue

This is probably a tough one for a Monday but it's one that you can't exactly do until it actually requires action. But if you take a second to break down fights, arguments, and disagreements, they usually come down to the main issue that, if addressed, might eliminate a lot of future fights, arguments, and disagreements. Funny how that works.

Be A Better Spouse Day 26

Challenge Day 26: Get some rest

It's the last weekend of our this challenge and I realize that Saturdays and Sundays are quiet (and rightfully so), so I've got a relatively easy one.

This might seem odd, but I tell you what - everything is better with more sleep. I'm a better parent, wife, person in general when I get sleep.

I strongly suggest coming up with some sort of plan that allows one of you to sleep in on a certain day. That's always a nice gesture. But this might also mean going to sleep a little early. But I really need to make a point to get to bed earlier. If anything, I know my frustration tolerance is much higher when I'm not exhausted.

And if getting rest isn't feasible, doing something else together!

Be A Better Spouse Day 25

My husband is going to love today. In fact I can guarantee you as soon as this post goes live, I'll have a call or text from him on my phone.
Challenge #25: Saying sorry

I think it's important to apologize in a meaningful and specific way. We also need to keep in mind that everyone has their own way to apologize. My husband thinks I sound like a 5 year old when I apologize and he feels sometimes I don't mean it. But I do mean it, it's just the way I say it. So what I need to do personally is think about how I'd want my apology to be accepted and try to keep that in mind when I'm giving my own.

Taking a minute or 12 to breathe goes hand in hand with this challenge. There are plenty of times when I should have just shut up, apologized, and gone on with my day. But instead, I keep on fighting and then end up saying and even doing things that I really regret(like playing on my I-Phone) . And that require a bigger apology.

Be A Better Spouse Day 24

Challenge #24: Be spontaneous

So much of our days are parents are predictable. Scheduled. Rigid. Husband's alarm goes off at 6. My alarm(Kiley) goes off at about 6:45, we eat breakfast, Kiley naps at 9, I typically work out, etc.

And when things are spontaneous, it's usually not a good thing. Around here it involves cleaning up poopy diaper.

But when it comes to relationships, it's incredibly important to help keep things fresh and exciting.

I'm not going to tell you what you need to be spontaneous about, but try to think about doing something out of the ordinary today. Turn some music on and dance. Send him a text telling him that you miss him.

Maybe it's going out for dessert after dinner.

Look, being spontaneous doesn't necessarily have to do with sex. It just means adding a little fun and excitement back into your family and your relationship.

Be A Better Spouse Day 23

Challenge #23: Get Away (or at least start planning one)

It is so important to get away with just each other. But we live far from our families, about an hour and half from my parents and about 7 from the in-laws. So it's hard for us to just get away for a night.

I know that there are lots of factors that might not necessarily allow this to happen for you. But I really, strongly encourage you to try. Even if it's not until 2012. Talk about it now. Put away money for a bed and breakfast in the next town over and a ticket to fly family or someone trustworthy in.

Your kids will be fine. And your relationship will be better for it.

Be A Better Spouse Day 22

To my Mom and Mother in Law, STOP reading this post right now, lol!

Challenge #22: Business Time

So it took us 22 days to finally get to it.

THE SEX.

Yes, I'm talking about it. Because it's important. And because you've been working all month long on your communication and all that good stuff. So now it's time to get down to the business.

Now if things are really crappy around your place between you and your spouse or partner, this might not be the best idea, but if things are looking brighter, well, hell, get to it! You don't have to exactly do the deed, ahem, but get the party started.

Be A Better Spouse Day 20 & 21

Challenge #20/21: Get a hobby

So many of us are engulfed in work and our kids that we often have nothing to call our very own. However, our spouses seem to always have a hobby. Why is that? I know "always" is a generalization, but I've found quite often that it's very often the case.

What can happen is that the person without the hobby gets resentful when the other person goes off to enjoy their hobby.

That can't just be me, right?

Of course, if your spouse is gone every weekend on a golf trip, then getting a hobby yourself might not exactly be the answer. However, if you do, then you have a reason to go away, or get some time alone just like he is. (Though every weekend? Hmmmm. Not so much).

So think about something you've always wanted to do. It could be something like knitting or gardening, learning a new language, a sport (like running or dancing).

It's important for you to have something of your very own. Not just for you, but for your relationship as well.

Be A Better Spouse Day 19

Challenge #19: Be Thankful

I think one of the biggest challenges of being a parent is that it's a thankless job. That's probably why I'm all for Father's Day and Mother's Day. Damn straight there should be a holiday just for us.

But when I'm entrenched in my long days parenting, often times alone, I do forget to offer some thanks to my husband, who also works his own share of long days.

You don't have to go overboard here. But even just expressing your gratitude for whatever it is that your spouse DOES do is helpful. It sets a good example to, for your kids, and hey, even for your spouse who might not get the hint that you could use a little thanks for yourself.

That doesn't mean you're doing this just to get some thanks of your very own, but some things you've got to give out what you need and want for yourself.

So decide how thankful you feel like being and give thanks!

Be A Better Spouse Day 18

I need to clarify something here, this is a spouse challenge. This isn't just for one person to work on in their marriage, you are a team, so if you are going to participate and for this to really work, both people in the marriage should be reading these and working on all of the different challenges. One should not be reading as just something for their better half to do.

So on with Day 18.

Be a better spouse challenge Day 18: Eat together

We're fortunate to have lots of family dinners when my husband is home, but lately, with so many kids needing so many things, we end up playing wait staff rather than sitting down with all of them ourselves.

Challenge #18: Eat Together

It's important to have at least one meal where it's just you two. This might be asking the impossible, but think about your schedules think about how you could make this happen. Maybe it's a late night dessert. Or perhaps it's dinner after the kids eat.

It's a good way to reconnect and check in. And well, you have to eat, so why not make it something you do together, even if it's just one time a week.

Wow, we're already over 2 weeks in!

Be A Better Spouse Day 17

Challenge #17: Give them space

Now, I realize that this is a tricky one because there may be some of you whose spouses already get a lot of space, for whatever reason (I won't ask about specifics). In that case, you have to decide whether this is feasible.

I also think it's important for you to get your own space too, whether you work outside the home or not. We all need to get a chance to breathe and recover, even if it's just 10 minutes locked in a closet.

So give him space. And ask for your own. It's amazing what a little bit of breathing room can do for a person.

Be A Better Spouse Day 16

Challenge #16: Listen

Last night my husband was trying to tell me something and I was looking up at him with one eye from my computer and barely giving him my attention. Hi, rude much? It's something I do often, mostly because at night cause it's my free time, since he's so wonderful and takes care of Kiley when he gets home.

However, I felt terrible about it. So today, I'm going to try really hard to listen, especially if he's talking about something that's important to him.

So, who's the better listener at your house? You or him?

Be A Better Spouse Day 15

Challenge #15: Say what you mean.

I'm pretty terrible in being direct with my husband, well, at least without sounding like an jerk. I'm the queen of "No, forget it, I'm fine."

But my poor husband is left trying to decipher what I'm trying to say from my cryptic messages.

So today, really try to express yourself. Be direct and straightforward. Not aggressive or agitated. I tend to think that if we were all able to just say exactly what we mean, we'd be a lot happier. And our spouses wouldn't be so confused all the time.

Be A Better Spouse Day 14

Challenge #14: Ask for what you need

There's no way for us to avoid communication issues in a month of being a better spouse. Of course, communication generally involves two or more people, but there are a few things that you can address on your own that can really help support a positive environment.

I'm the queen of wanting my husband to automatically know what I need and then punishing him when he doesn't figure it out. My rationale is that he should know by now, which, on one hand is fair, but then again, on the other really isn't.

Better, I should take it upon myself to say what I need. What a concept! Don't wish. Don't whine. Don't assume. Just ask.

I'm not necessarily talking about stuff - like "a new pair of shoes" or "a glass of water" but rather your emotional and physical needs.

"I'm feeling really overwhelmed with everything. Let's figure out a way that we can make things work a little better."

Talk about your feelings and be collaborative. You are a team, after all. And you just can't assume that he's going to read your mind. Or somehow be able to do it after a certain amount of time.

Be A Better Spouse Day 13

Challenge #13: Reach out and touch that someone
After being slobbered on all day from Kiley's kisses and my hair being pulled, I'm so used to holding a baby all day that I forget about my husband.

Cheesy, perhaps. But important to do. And I'm not talking about the sexy touch! I'm just talking about a hand on the shoulder, a squeeze of the hand or a kiss.

It's not only good for your relationship, but it's good for the kids to see too.

Be A Better Spouse Day 12

Challenge #12: Tech Turn Off

With all the gadgets we've got around our house, it's rare that we ever have a night when we're not using something. I usually have a laptop in my lap while I'm watching television at night(Agree with Kristen here, so much!)

You may not be able to do this tonight, for whatever reason, but I encourage you to establish a tech turn off night with your spouse. Pick a day and decide to not have any gadgets on - television, computers, phones, you name it.

It's also a good idea to have this during the hours of 5-8pm, or something like that. As much as I love technology it's important to have time during the day and/or at night when you're focusing on each other and/or on your kids without distraction.

Good luck!

Be A Better Spouse Day 11

Challenge #11: The Feeling Formula

Now, like a lot of this, it's super simple to read, a lot harder to implement. But the results can be pretty amazing.

When you're bringing up an issue, or having a discussion or even an argument, always start with "I."

So for example:

"I feel hurt when you forget to call me when you're going to be late."

or

"I feel frustrated when you continue to leave your underwear on the floor and I have to pick them up all the time."

Instead of starting with "you," which can instantly put someone on the defensive, you're discussing your feelings first. It's kinder, gentler, and much more effective.

Once you get the formula down, you can play with it so you don't sound like you're spouting off a formula. But when I remember to stick to this, or in the least, talk about how I'm feeling in response to what he is or isn't doing as opposed to calling him out all the time, it really does make a huge difference.

Be A Better Spouse Day 10

Challenge #10: Let them [your spouse] parent

This might be the most challenging assignment yet.

Okay, who am I kidding? These are all hard. But this one is really tough for me.( I couldn't agree more with Kristen)

Like most of us, I learned how to parent by trial and error, and I can't even imagine what it would be like to have someone tell me I was doing something wrong all the time.

I never have a problem leaving Kiley with Chris while I go out(when I get that chance =0) But as soon as I hear her crying while he's trying to get her down for a nap, or any other time I come running. When I do it as well as Kristen said I know I shouldn't have done it and should of just let him figure out it, because he can do it! He's an awesome Daddy to Kiley!

On the flip side, this does take a lot of communication on both your parts so that both of you are aware of your discipline methods, schedules, rewards, and consequences. But it's so important for your partner/spouse/husband to be able to parent on his own.